Again.

Pain is the inevitable consequence of living. And no matter how much you dose yourself with "happily ever afters", there will come a time when you feel that nothing's going the way that you think it should be.  To say that it's disappointing is a blunt understatement.


When you came, I believed that everything, at last, will be all right. I was happy. Although the scars of the past left me permanently crippled, you tried to mend me piece by piece. I won't patronize you and tell you that you completely healed me and I am as good as new. But I was the best that I could've been. Like a broken mirror, you can never totally reassemble it. All you can do is to look for the biggest piece that isn't broken and make a new mirror. And that's exactly what you did. Nothing could've matched our story. Ours was the best. Ours was incomparable. Ours was.. ours. We made plans. We dreamt of a future that seemed fool-proof yet realistic at the same time. We were together. And that was what all that mattered.


But that wasn't all that mattered. True - love conquers all. But even the great conquerors of the past who 'conquered all' turned out to have some sort of weakness in the end. And ours is akin to that. Reality was our weakness. As I write this, I am still hoping that this is a temporary "textbook" trial so to speak. Again, nothing is true if it cannot cause you pain. You live - and living is not all about being happy, being clean, being full, being healthy. You need to be sad, be dirty, be hungry and be unhealthy too. That's how you know you are well in the first place, because you know how it feels like not to be. 


My biggest heartache was you left me at my most vulnerable. You know me. No matter how you say "tell me everything", "please tell me how you feel". "please always let me know what you think", you will find that I always retreat to my own thoughts every time I face anything that I can't handle and try to make myself better before telling you about it. I just hope, I sincerely hope that you knew I was vulnerable. And you left me because you trusted that I can handle it or you trusted that you will still be able to help out even if you are far from me. I will be irreparably hurt if, after all these months, you never had a clue that I wasn't ok. 


Either way, it would've been selfish of me to allow you to stay for me. Ultimately, who am I to deprive you of something that you have wanted all your life. True to being me, I would've said "go" anyway, "I'm ok".


I can't sleep, I won't sleep and I shouldn't sleep. You know how I care about you. I know that at the back of your mind, you are worrying about something else since then. And I am just trying to convince myself that it's because of that that you weren't able to give me your full attention. 


Maybe we need each other too much. Maybe you are just trying to stand by a decision that you aren't sure of until now because it's already there. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe this will be our darkest hour. Maybe we'll laugh about this sooner than we think. Maybe all I think about is myself. Maybe all you think about is yourself. Maybe you love me more. Maybe I love you more. Maybe in the deepest recesses of your mind, you know that you don't love me anymore. One thing I am sure of amidst all these maybe's is that you are the one for me. You are. 


As I try to keep up with all these changes, I just hope that I can get through it long enough so that I can see the day that you'll be sitting next to me again asking me what we should be doing immediately after I asked you the same question. Because I am starting to be sure that I can't.




ALTASHHETH

The Unwritten Letter

Paps, I know this is pretty lame. Especially because I am not a Heaven-believing person. But I hope that nothing is too late. Although apparently, EVERYTHING is too late.

I spent my childhood imagining how you'd look like.. Imagining whether you are a cool dad, a bad dad, a mean dad, an unfeeling dad. It gave my childhood an air of mystery and drama. I am the protagonist of a lame Filipino teleserye, waiting for my dad to come and send me gifts, play with me, or teach me cool stuff. It was kinda fun. Although we met when I was younger, I never remembered anything about you except for unclear images of people arguing on the living room - you, mom and nene and some other person as I'll eventually learn about; a guy lending me his cap; and a pat in the head from you telling me, "I'm going now."

Come high school and I started blaming you for everything - why I never was motivated to study even though my diagnostic tests tell me that I should be among the top students of the class; why I don't have a computer, a playstation or a flashy cellphone; why I don't have stuff teenagers my age have; why I am me; etc. I loathed you. And I vowed that I'd kill you or hurt you or forever ignore you if our paths ever crossed.

Then college came and of course, I found you. I pitied you. I felt sad that you are you - drunk, aimless, wasted. I wanted to change your life. I wanted to be the one who understands why you sometimes cry when we are just alone together. I wanted to graduate from BA Psychology and learn some technique to save your from alcoholism and depression. I was in love with you. But my patience and pity was short-lived and all my desire to spend time with you or to even talk to you vanished.

I lived my life. Thinking I'd visit you once in a while if I felt like it. I thought you'd be good on your own. I thought you'll be ok. But the day came. The news arrived. You're dead.

I felt weird - I didn't expect that I'd feel not that bad. But I know that the emotional path ways on my brain is now damaged and that made me adept in suppressing feelings. I felt nothing about your death. That's why I felt guilty about myself.

It's 8 weeks now, more or less, since you died. I haven't had a good sleep ever since. Nightmares plagued me. Hypochondria is attacking me until now. I think my body and psyche wants to tell me, "Grieve!", but I can't.

Paps, if you can read this. If you can read my mind. If you can see every move that I make. I hope that it tells you that I have loved you. And I sincerely wish that you are in a good place. I am still grieving. I know it although I don't feel it. I miss you. I wish you turned out to be a better man. I know you could've been good, successful, happy. I know it. But the time for that is long gone. You are gone like my childhood imaginings of a faceless but laughing man who will come and change my life. Gone like the old days when I knew that I can save you. Gone. Gone forever. And I am here unable to do anything.

 ALTASHHETH

Why Do People 'Like' Your Facebook Status: A Metaphysical Analysis

I got back my Facebook account after several days of thinking it through. I guess Facebook won't go down the "Friendster" road any time soon. My friends are still there and Facebook is still useful for business transactions and of course, promoting my blog! (Oh, by the way, kindly share this post.. Please?)

Anyways, I sometimes post questions on Facebook. When I ask questions, I usually need answers and they most probably aren't rhetoric. They are questions, plain and simple.

However, I found it quite.. I dunno.. Amazing? That when I posted a question just this morning, several people 'liked' it. I'm like, "Is this the "Thank you for that wonderful question" filler that beauty queens use to buy them some time when answering very difficult pageant-questions?"

I was quite annoyed. I felt like I posted "I have cancer"  and people 'liked' it. But then, I realized that the Facebook Like button had already evolved into something much more complicated and subjective. People 'like' your post for several reasons:

1. They are obsessive-compulsive - There are some people who just can't go by a day without 'liking' a post. They will die if they don't 'like' a single post. In some cases, they have a daily quota for Facebook 'likes'. Some three, some ten and some fifty. It depends on the gravity of their condition.
2. They don't read (or understand) your post - This is especially true if you posted a video, picture or link along with your status. They're like, "Oh! Busty Asian Beauties! Like! Like! Like!" without even reading your status which was "This girl reminds me of Kurdapya. I miss you so much. My heart aches and I will commit suicide later because you left me for that security guard. I am serious."
3. They want you to like their status too - Some people actually send you chat messages (people joining in Facebook contests are exempted on this one) to ask you to like their grammatically incorrect status. If you are asking why they actually do that, it remains a mystery for me until now.
4. They 'like' you - Wonder why there are some friends or even strangers who "like" every single one of your posts? It's either you are a super star (which most probably isn't true) or they simply are trying to tell you, "Hey baby, wanna hook up?" Some even stare at your status for 5 to 10 minutes just to decide if they should try and grab your attention by 'liking' your post. Just imagine how many hours they waste if you post like 10 to 20 status updates a day.
5. They want to say 'hi' or tell you something unrelated - Familiar? The post is: "Just ate dinner!" and someone 'likes' it and adds a comment - "Do you know someone who wants to buy a Nokia 5110? I want to sell mine."
6. They are stupid and dumb - "Oh, is this clickable?" *Clicks* "Oh! Yippee!! I clicked 'Like'!" *Dance Dance* 
7. They like your post - This is quite rare.

I want to add more to that list but to be honest, I want to watch one episode of Supernatural before sleeping. If you want to add something, just tell me by commenting below and I will of course credit you for that suggestion. :) 

I like blogging. I don't feel that bad anymore. It's a good stress reliever. 

ALTASHHETH

Distracted

All I can say is I am embarrassed. I promised myself that I will update this blog every single day and what happened? I didn't post ANYTHING. Not even a single Hi for almost 8 days now.

I know no one cares. It's not like my blog is CNN. My blog is neither informative nor useful in any way. Except if you want to read some unplanned and sketchy writings that will help you waste some time while waiting for a game to finish downloading or a 'video' to finish streaming.

I haven't posted anything because I wasted my time playing a childish game called Grand Chase. I even stopped watching Supernatural just for this game!

I am a bit tired now so no words of wisdom from me. Just wanted to say that I am still alive and kicking.

ALTASHHETH

Privacy, Barrio Culture and an Automatic Teller Machine

Early morning (in my opinion).

I went to the ATM to withdraw some cash. (Ka-ching!) But before you chant the proverbial "Libre! Libre! Libre!", I just want all of you to know that those weren't technically my dough. It was for my writers. Yeah, I'm a good leader so I am a good servant as well. But that's beside the point.

Anyways, I noticed an old guy and old woman very near the ATM but they seem to be waiting for someone so I went ahead and inserted my card, did all the usual stuff and got hold of the money (It took me less than 30 seconds. Some people in Miagao, where the University I attended was situated, would take around 10 minutes to withdraw a thousand bucks). I was about to go when the old woman said, out of the blue mind you, "We are waiting for the guard to help us withdraw our money." If someone would've asked me to translate that in straight-forward English, then it would've meant "Can you help us?" Given it was early in the morning, I was not in Good Samaritan-mode, so I just smiled and told them (politely) that they should wait for the guard. I felt kind of guilty but convinced myself that I was not in the position to help them. Hello? PIN number? What if those people end up killed and their ATM cards were stolen, won't I be the prime suspect?

Cooking And Lessons on Simplicity

I like cooking. But cooking doesn't seem to like me lately. I mean, before, the food that I cook often taste like a slice of something shining and shimmering. Now, it's either passable or subtly horrible.

Why? I like watching Cooking Master Chef! Oh c'mon - fine dining. All that herbs, that muck that somehow just transforms into heavenly perfection in the end. Isn't that art?

Dear Doctor Google

First and foremost, I always wanted to start blogging again but since I felt the need to find money online more than 6 months ago, I never really had the chance to start again. You might ask, "Why now?" The answer is simple - I was infected with the Mumps virus last week and my online employer told me to take the week off. Just imagine the joy that I had - one week off (unpaid, sadly) after more or less half a year. It's like summer break after a hell of a semester, only better.

But that's not the point. I am the Google guy! Yeah - I think of something, I 'google' it. I need something, I 'google' it. I want to know something, I 'google' it. Hell, I think my daily Google visits account for around 10% of their 24 hour hits. Yeah, I am pretty boastful.

Anyways, I felt some "stuff" before the actual parotid gland swelling symptom that is generally associated with mumps. And of course kids, what do you think did I do? I googled it! And alas, my superior skills delivered me to this page that actually told me that I might have AIDS.

Me and My Silly Notebook Obsession

I am crazy. That much I believe almost everyone I know think of me. Well, who can blame them - I am a bit crazy.

For instance, I have this crazy obsession with notebooks. I dunno. Clean, white and new-smelling notebooks drive me nuts.

I am not sure but now that I think about it, I guess it's because of my desire to always start with a clean slate. You know. People make mistakes and I just wish that at some point, you can just hit the reset button and just dive in and smell the immaculate and glowing squeaky clean life.

But it's impossible.

I am a little melodramatic, aren't I? I guess it's nothing more than the stupid fact that I am a nutter for notebooks. Plain and simple. period.


ALTASHHETH

p.s. Isn't this a great way to start my new blogging career? This is just a test post for better blog configuration. But of course, this is an original write up. :)