Again.

Pain is the inevitable consequence of living. And no matter how much you dose yourself with "happily ever afters", there will come a time when you feel that nothing's going the way that you think it should be.  To say that it's disappointing is a blunt understatement.


When you came, I believed that everything, at last, will be all right. I was happy. Although the scars of the past left me permanently crippled, you tried to mend me piece by piece. I won't patronize you and tell you that you completely healed me and I am as good as new. But I was the best that I could've been. Like a broken mirror, you can never totally reassemble it. All you can do is to look for the biggest piece that isn't broken and make a new mirror. And that's exactly what you did. Nothing could've matched our story. Ours was the best. Ours was incomparable. Ours was.. ours. We made plans. We dreamt of a future that seemed fool-proof yet realistic at the same time. We were together. And that was what all that mattered.


But that wasn't all that mattered. True - love conquers all. But even the great conquerors of the past who 'conquered all' turned out to have some sort of weakness in the end. And ours is akin to that. Reality was our weakness. As I write this, I am still hoping that this is a temporary "textbook" trial so to speak. Again, nothing is true if it cannot cause you pain. You live - and living is not all about being happy, being clean, being full, being healthy. You need to be sad, be dirty, be hungry and be unhealthy too. That's how you know you are well in the first place, because you know how it feels like not to be. 


My biggest heartache was you left me at my most vulnerable. You know me. No matter how you say "tell me everything", "please tell me how you feel". "please always let me know what you think", you will find that I always retreat to my own thoughts every time I face anything that I can't handle and try to make myself better before telling you about it. I just hope, I sincerely hope that you knew I was vulnerable. And you left me because you trusted that I can handle it or you trusted that you will still be able to help out even if you are far from me. I will be irreparably hurt if, after all these months, you never had a clue that I wasn't ok. 


Either way, it would've been selfish of me to allow you to stay for me. Ultimately, who am I to deprive you of something that you have wanted all your life. True to being me, I would've said "go" anyway, "I'm ok".


I can't sleep, I won't sleep and I shouldn't sleep. You know how I care about you. I know that at the back of your mind, you are worrying about something else since then. And I am just trying to convince myself that it's because of that that you weren't able to give me your full attention. 


Maybe we need each other too much. Maybe you are just trying to stand by a decision that you aren't sure of until now because it's already there. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe this will be our darkest hour. Maybe we'll laugh about this sooner than we think. Maybe all I think about is myself. Maybe all you think about is yourself. Maybe you love me more. Maybe I love you more. Maybe in the deepest recesses of your mind, you know that you don't love me anymore. One thing I am sure of amidst all these maybe's is that you are the one for me. You are. 


As I try to keep up with all these changes, I just hope that I can get through it long enough so that I can see the day that you'll be sitting next to me again asking me what we should be doing immediately after I asked you the same question. Because I am starting to be sure that I can't.




ALTASHHETH